Lord of the Rings is one of the 20th centuries most beloved book series featuring elves and hobbits. Unfortunately, it is from only the 20th century and as we know, we're better now, in every way. Not like they were then: we're on the RIGHT side of HISTORY now. Things from the wrong side of history are offensive.
Because we're on the right side of history and its the present year, its really too much to ask of us to sit through something racist, sexist, homo and trans phobic and otherwise immoral, plus all those pages!
Unhappily, the Tolkien estate has not responded to my demands that it publish an updated version of the Lord of the Rings, edited by me, with all the offensive material safely edited out and replaced by more positive material that is suitable to the present age. Sadly, even racist material is protected by copyright laws (for now) so I can't release my own version.
As they haven't responded, I've decided to publish this material independently. To spite them, the correct page numbers have not been included to make it more difficult for them to steal this material from me.
I know my close buddy JRR would understand, and approve.