Monday, December 12, 2016

Smaug's Offense at Dale

Bard took the bow into his hands.  He addressed the last arrow in his quiver.
"Black arrow, he said, 'you have never failed me.'
From the sky the great Wyrm settled beside him.
'But you have failed it' hissed Smaug, 'which arrow did you choose last?  Yeah thought so."
Upon hearing the truth, the men of Dale immediately switched sides.  Bard fell backwards into a swimming pool, and everyone laughed (Smaug later devoured Bard as is customary with his fascinating and endangered species).

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Sam, be more open minded

    "I just don't trust that Gollum," worried Sam, "what if he does something ... unnatural to us while we sleep?"
    "Sam," said Frodo, "I think that would be wonderful."

Yes they invited orcs to the Fellowship Council #becauseitsthecurrentyear

    "Gandalf, that is the first time anyone has dared to utter the language of Mordor within my household," said Elrond, "You've made history!"
    "Lugburz"  Corrected Grishnakh.

Thanks Bilbo

    "Elves are underrepresented on the Fellowship!"  Shouted Glorfindel.  "But OVER-represented on this Council." proclaimed Gimli, testing the edge of his axe.
    Even the wise do not know what would have happened had not Bilbo piped in at that very moment.  "I am very impressed with the ethnic diversity displayed in the trip from the Shire to Rivendell.  Particularly before Bree.  Elrond we are not missing lunch I feel my self getting a little faint.  No no, that's all right I'll power through.  The point is, there were four hobbits on the road to Rivendell, there can't be fewer than four Hobbits for the next leg of the journey.  Would everyone like to hear my slam poetry?"
   Bilbo rapped about oppression and microaggressions until the moon hung high over the valley of the elves.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Sam Learns a Very Important Lesson about tolerance

    "I see you have met Aragorn, son of Arathorn."  Said Gandalf gladly.
    "Aragorn?  I don't know what you mean by Aragorn sir.  This here is Strider."  Said Sam, confused.
    Aragorn gave a hearty laugh.  "I am both Aragorn and Strider, Sam.  I belong both to the South and to the North.  My identity is fluid, Sam, just like my gender."

The Mirror of Galadriel

    "Behold the mirror of Galadriel"
    Sam looked down at the pool.  At first he saw only the reflection of the great stars in its mirrored surface.  Almost without noticing the scene changed.  First the stars seemed to come close, then so close they became invisible.  Then the scene changed to one of utter terror and hopelessness.  Men and elves and hobbits in chains, slaving away without purpose or reason.  Sam wrenched his eyes away only after great effort.
    "Is that, is that what it will be like if the Dark Lord was to get the ring?  Is that what will happen?"  asked Sam in horror.
    "No," said Galadriel, caressing one of her cats, "that is what its like every day for a elven woman in Middle Earth.  Men!"

Monday, September 5, 2016

chez Gildor

"What did you think of the elves Sam?" asked Frodo.
"I don't don't rightly know, sir.  They seem heavy and serious but at the same time are light and gay and full of joy at the same time."
"What ever."  sniffed Frodo.  "There are lots of elves on the world and some of them are gay, Sam.  DEAL WITH IT."

Boromir at the Council

Boromir arose to address the Council.  "I have traveled many leagues to be among you.  Denethor, the Steward of Gondor is my sire and I am his heir.  I am cis and the pronouns you may use include...

Why Lord of the Social Justice Warriors?

Lord of the Rings is one of the 20th centuries most beloved book series featuring elves and hobbits.  Unfortunately, it is from only the 20th century and as we know, we're better now, in every way.  Not like they were then: we're on the RIGHT side of HISTORY now.  Things from the wrong side of history are offensive.

Because we're on the right side of history and its the present year, its really too much to ask of us to sit through something racist, sexist, homo and trans phobic and otherwise immoral, plus all those pages!

Unhappily, the Tolkien estate has not responded to my demands that it publish an updated version of the Lord of the Rings, edited by me, with all the offensive material safely edited out and replaced by more positive material that is suitable to the present age.  Sadly, even racist material is protected by copyright laws (for now) so I can't release my own version.

As they haven't responded, I've decided to publish this material independently.  To spite them, the correct page numbers have not been included to make it more difficult for them to steal this material from me.

I know my close buddy JRR would understand, and approve.